I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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