I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
