My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
