I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
