he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
