I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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