i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
