Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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