He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
