I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
