Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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