do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
ok first of all what the fuck
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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