I can text with my tongue
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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