The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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