he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
