I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
