I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
