By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize