mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize