you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
