Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
