My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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