Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
that is very illegal...i love you.
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