I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We have started to decorate penises.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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