I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
