No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I am spending my child support on dildos
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
