Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize