why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
