I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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