Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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