Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
