you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize