Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
