I just cut my nipple shaving
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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