I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I want to be your penis for a week.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
