My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
