when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
