haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
