I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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