checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
