i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
