life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
