Just fell off a train. Bad.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
