I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
