Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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