oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
