I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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