I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
