I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
