She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
