I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
