My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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