We won't sleep together?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
