Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
