Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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