dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
