If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
